hmmmm...

My light in Shining armour...

2010-03-22T15:39:00.000-07:00

These days it seems that everything is reversed.
What's my day is everybody else is night and what's my night is everybody else is day.

I guess when taking on a project like the one i have, it's inevitable that this would happen.
How could it not?

But does that make me not interested in anything else?
And because the world is working normal, but I'm backwards (really when am i ever not)
Is it ok to assume the rest of the world will go along with it?

Well all i know is that...This is My project and even if i have to bend a few rules (time,space, physics, sleeping patterns) I most defnitely will...

Wouldn't you?

This project has got me S.P.R.U.N.G
I live it...I breathe it... And I look up at the sky and ask my Homie to give me the strength to work harder.

And i thank him for giving me friends like i have. Who at a drop of a hat, coincide with my backward-ness and make it possible for me to even attempt this.

SIGH...

"I'm weird cos i hate good-byes..."

5 hours...

2010-03-13T11:51:00.000-08:00

Today i woke up at around 12 in the afternoon

I strolled around in my xxxxl night shirt with the tea stain on it.

The one i got in the first year.

I washed my face and brushed my teeth

5 hours later...5 ish

I'm sitting at my favourite pub.

With one of my favourite people.

We're drinking beer on a hot saturday

We're talking about life.

It slipped out really,

Or maybe it didn't .

I don't really know

But it sent my head abuzz.

5 hours later(after i left the pub+had dinner+ chilled)...1 in the morning

I'm at my friends house

We're sorting photographs

I'm on FB

I'm chewing my lip in anticipation.

You called to find out whether i was okay?

ha ha ha... I'm good. I just wished you'd been the one who'd called.

5 hours later...

I don't predict the future,

I just have to wait.

It's as simple as that.

2010-02-14T11:34:00.000-08:00

To try new things is a scary yet an exciting experience.
To want good things to happen is natural but with too much hope.
To need someone is human and a little painful.

So where did you fit into this whole mess?

It happened not too long ago. But it feels like it.
Like i lost a person and now a new person is in front of me.

How did i let this happen to me again?

The swirl of emotions and the torment of knowledge, or the lack there of.
The voices around me telling me to be careful.

That beep that hurts every time i hear it.

But you don't know and that's okay.
Your not suppose to i guess.
That's how this seems to work all the time.

I'm here. But you're not.

The questions and the idea that i can never ask them.
The things i want to say so close to slipping out,
Only to be held back by the thought of losing it.

Tears slowly slip down.

The circle that i am in has not made it's final turn.
It breaks and i need to mend it. Tie a knot.

I want to let go. I want to believe i deserve it.
Don't I?

In an attempt to see things clearly i write. I write when i need to untangle myself.
This web that i'm in is of my own doing. I don't want to be tied down anymore.

This post was written in haste.

Apart from the usual nonsense that filters into our brain, i lost someone. And that added to this mundane post. She wasn't very special but she was family. to have alot going on at once and not be able to share that frustration takes it toll. Even though this post has been misinterpreted by everyone: You're not wrong, it is partly that but you don't know the whole story.

Ice

2009-12-15T13:23:00.000-08:00

it's all coming back and i'm confused...
If someone were to ask me at this very moment 'do you regret it?'
Right now... as i take a deep deep deep drag... i'd say yes.

I don't know why, it all came back... one image after another.
Right now it feels like everything is going to tumble.
That uneasy feeling of change and how it's going to end.

I don't like it.

Will we fight over the same thing, because i can feel our friendship fade?
Will we fight over nothing because that seems the easier way out of a messy situation?
Will i be left on my own, because i don't have a choice?

Argh... It hurts, all of it.

I don't feel the same. I look around and i feel nothing.
No ties to anyone. No loyalty. No love.

All i want to do is pick a fight! A BIG ONE
so that once that wound is made...i can feel.
Will i feel it though?

*sounds of crickets*

The Count Down Begins

2009-12-14T02:06:00.000-08:00

My juries is in 12 hours
I keep saying 12 hours cos i can stay up till 7 in the morning if i have to
rush to college. Wait around...humm di dumm...Give my jury in a state of absolute fake
sureness and then leave...

I want this to be over...Come on next semester!
This semester has had too many twists...way too many... And I don't want it anymore
No more 5th semester!

Toon Boom now my very good friend (knocking on wood while i say this)
Is making me lazy...i have barely anything to do...but well...i don't feel like.

Tomorrow is my jury...My final jury to be more precise.
I am sitting on Facebook :|

Tomorrow is my final jury... I am watching a Zac Efron movie :|

Tomorrow is my final jury...and in 9 days i'll be home :|

Tomorrow..............................................................................................

*sigh*
And everything is moving on, the last time i asked the big guy upstairs for 'change' , he gave it to me.
Oh and how!
And now i went through a bunch of the things and the past hit me...again.
Go away 5th semester.
A friend of mine has always he wants to forget 1st year.
I never understood why
Now i do.
This is way too weird.

Everything is moving on. Am i?

i need a hug and a cup of coffee...when did college turn serious?
When did i stop to care?

My Final jury is tomorrow... i may have a mini meltdown X(

It's all there

2009-12-08T13:41:00.001-08:00

It's in our hands...

It's cute...it's orange

2009-12-08T13:12:00.000-08:00

It's fun taking something you love and creating something from it.
Our fest symbol/mascot is an elephant... One that has changed annually
But is still quite young and has a long way to go

Rubix

2009-12-06T00:08:00.000-08:00

I Love Rubix.

Drum Roll Please

2009-12-01T09:57:00.000-08:00

It's almost time.
As i write this...history is being made.
Maybe it's not the type of history that will be in encyclopedias or textbooks, but who wants that anyway. right?
I mean history for us, for those who have worked and slaved, this is just a stepping stone but it's one of great significance.
What is going on...?
Well FundaMental... My fest... The fest that is the glue that holds us together, is almost up on the web.
This great tradition started by our seniors not only brought everyone closer together but also created a new environment for a designer...or design student shall i say.
Designers think...they hypothesize and then they Create. It's brilliant; almost explosive.
FundaMental also lets our roots grow. Quite frankly our roots to college may be deep but this gives us something more.

And now it officially begins
- Late night meetings
- Screaming contests
- Mocks of all events
- Budget, Budget Budget!
- Animation...anyone? (cricket sounds in the background)
- Volunteers (You've been branded!)
-Slave drivers
-Budget,Budget,Budget!!
- Sleeping at 2 in the morning
- waking up 45 minutes later to check something
-Budget,Budget,Budget!!!
- OH MY GOD moments

The elephants have landed... do you copy...the elephants have landed!

Meaning to.

2009-11-28T07:32:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to write this for awhile now. I've logged into blogspot so many times today that you would think i was jobless or something...hehe...hmmm

I could use another cigarette.
But don't worry daddy, I'm not addicted yet.
One too many drinks tonight and I miss you,
Like you were mine

I'm just scared to write this. But I want to as well.
Things kinda creep up on you and then it piles up till you feel claustrophobic. I didn't know how to write this and whether i could or not.
Phew...
It's been a long time since i said good bye. This time for good, I didn't want anything to do with it. It had become so complicated and complication hurts. 4 times a charm i guess,
It still hurt.

It never took much to keep me satisfied
But all this bullshit you feed me you miss me you need me
This hungry heart will not subside

That weird day which began with such promise and then KABOOM... a canon ball of mad emotion shoots through the air taking me by surprise and knocking me off my step. Not again... The voices around me became dim, the expressions blurred as it always happens like this.

Well I may seem naive if I cry as you leave like I'm just one more tortured heart
But baby don't be fooled.
Cause these cracks that I show as I'm watching you go aren't tearing me apart

There is a happy ending, when it comes i'll write about it.
That night I ended it. No more of this.
That night I called a friend and for two hours we talked and i smiled eventually... Even came out of the whole thing with a new comic.
It still hurt.
Next came juries. The long nights, the faaso dinners, the late night drag and toon boom. It all came tumbling down with the god for sake software.
the confusion begins once more.
And then the friendship. I didn't want to lose that, but it had to go. I took a deep breathe and shook my head. That wasn't fair, was it, just having to let it go. See it walk away and lie to you and all you can do is smile and agree
the confusion begins once more.

He's taken and leaving but I keep believing
He's gonna come round soon
Till I see him again I'm staying believing
That it won't be deceiving when he's gonna come round soon.

I got it back though. It felt good because I have lost friendships before and had to get used to it. This time I
didn't need to. It kinda came back.
It's just one big circle.
Now again i find myself stuck in a rut. If it is one big circle, how long do I have to keep traveling till i reach the beginning again...?

The angels said I'd smile today. Aw well who needs angels anyway?

Symbi Canteen Food

2009-11-28T02:28:00.000-08:00

It's Scary...isn't it?!

2009-11-28T00:20:00.000-08:00

This was quite a random doodle...
It happened and i figured, "hey, let's put it up."

But his expression is the same one we have at college
when we find out whats in the mess.

Which is probably toxic... Or the left over stationery.

:|

i'm hungry... *grumble*

Mahabaleshwar

2009-11-19T10:07:00.000-08:00

Some photographs I took when my batch and me headed to Mahabaleshwar

2009-11-19T10:05:00.000-08:00

2009-11-19T10:00:00.000-08:00

Sleep a good sleep
And may your dreams be merry
Close your tired eyes and let the ship sail
On a cloudy river with specks of gold and silver

Let your imagination run wild
While your body stays still, statuesque almost
Almost except for the fluttering of your eyes

Sleep Sweet
I Bid Thee

2009-11-07T11:13:00.000-08:00

it's nice to see this change around you, isn't it?

Our college has finally started being a college.
It's ALIVE...IT'S ALIVE.
And out comes the monster...ROAR

The sound of 'click'
Smooshing together clay and cutting sets.
Drawing frame after frame, then imports...exports.
The digital type of course.
Video cameras capturing it all.
Subtitles screwing it all up.
It's all worth it though because...izzz all gooooood

College has finally come to that point where work is inevitable.
Yes, we have long, tiring work but it's upto you.
It's amazing to leave college at 10:30 with your head swimming with images.

All Those Frames! (WTF?! all symbi people know what this means :D)

And before work is done let's stroll to the 'office'.
Yes, that office. Filled to the brim with work and chatter
and ideas and event... but not too many event managers (heh heh)

Amazing.

Let's throw in a few jokes... a stressful night of typing and what do you get?

A wannabe animator attempting to write down her feelings.

(applause, cheers,hoots, hollers)

Zzzzz

2009-10-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

Half closed eyes
That faint pain in my neck
My limbs so close to sleep

all I need are a few words to take me towards
slumber

So say them. :)

crick..

2009-10-24T09:14:00.000-07:00

It's the crick in my neck
It's the thorn in my finger
It's the piece of food that gets stuck in my teeth.

shrug...

A tale of woe...why not

2009-10-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

We heard a while ago of a young and wearied woe
Whose woe was like many
This woe he 'woved' Was truly corny.
We all have these moments Of wearied flows and torments
But do we garb on and on about them?
No,no,no
So this was the look he got
When we saw and sought to figure out
his woe from wearied head to tired toe

Coming back...

2009-10-19T11:09:00.000-07:00

Yes I love home.
But you've grown on me.
I miss you more.

I threw my stale coffee.
I ate my sandwhich.
I walked through the glass doors.

My smile is involuntary.
Can you blame me?
There is just so much more in you now.

I step out on the tarmac.
I watch the metal bird flair and fly
Into the mystical sky.

I am home.
But a new one.
And I'm happy to be.

♥This post is for you guys who made coming back worth it. The rat, the cat, philius and anoooska and atta♥

it may be an old saying

2009-10-15T10:08:00.000-07:00

This is a true story, one I wish that I had never heard.

There was a girl, quite ordinary and she went through life with her shares of ups and downs. She came from a pretty wealthy background and had all she needed. She worked hard and she finally got a job.

Things were looking up. She was settling down, creating a life for herself.

She also managed to find love in the process...

As all things go, at this point I would love to say and they lived happily ever after.

They had been together for a few years and yes...they decided to get married. Oh what a change this was.

She was living the 'ordinary' person dream, one that is predictable but sought after by so many.

Finish college. Get a good Job. Find someone. Live with said someone. Get married.

And so the preparations were done.

The hall booked. The clothes bought. The invites sent. The replies of yes and no. The merriment that here is someone who has a life to live and is so happy to live it.

I don't hear that too often now a days. "i'm happy" i don't hear that a lot.

And then, three months before the wedding, he comes home and says, "i have bad news."

The one disease that gets us, that actually live in us but multiply due to anything. Triggered because of some genetic fault paste on to us by our ape like fore fathers. And it has types.

Cancer.

He had the one that gave you no choice. No time to say good bye. No time to hope. No time to pray. No time to say sorry.

He's now gone...

I cried when i heard this. Is it really true the saying...it is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all?

If this is the price...

And here you thought you had it bad.

Phil & Lil

2009-10-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

This is my twin.
We are not related by blood.

But we were in our past lives.

We are cute and happy.
We are gross but honest.

We love dogs.
We finish each others sentences.

We argue and fight.
We frown and pout...for 10 seconds.

Then we hug!
♥

It's pink and happy... or is it?

2009-10-09T13:22:00.000-07:00

On monday I went with a friend to pick up his wacom. My colleges' new phase is to pick up wacoms. It's like a disease.

"you have one...? Chalo i'll get one too."

Not that we don need them. We do, desperately!

But using a wacom is like switching from a SLR to a DSLR, they're both cameras but unless you know what goes into using a SLR you will never learn to appreciate a DSLR.
It's the same with the wacom. Unless you are sure of sketching, you don appreciate the wacom.

When I got mine I did the following things:
1. I opened it up and went mad about the packaging and the graphics on the box.
2. I pulled out everything delicately and patiently read the manual.
3. I put everything back in and closed it up.

Following which I put it at the bottom of my cupboard and locked it.
I have not touched my wacom till a few days ago. It's been 4 months and in all that time I could not bring myself to open up that marvelous box as I knew, I knew I would not be able to appreciate it.

So why buy it you ask?
When someone hands you a 1000 rupees with no strings attached and it is from someone you trust and love, would you say no...?

You don have to use it right then but it's kind to take it.

So I worked on my sketching, my concepts,my flexibility between the two and figured jus how far the wacom can actually take me. At some point of time it is just you and not the wacom that can make a difference to your work.

The last few days i have grown dependant on my wacom and it's a lovely dependancy, one that will never let me down because I know it's mine and it's not going anywhere.
At the same time I am aware of the fact that the wacom does not give me ideas, it does not magically make research or conceptualisation easier.

That's all you.

Ok... I lost track of things, getting back to my friend buying one. This friend has been special to me in so many ways that not seeing him even one day seems weird. He's my alter ego but we share so many things that we are quite alike as well.
When he said we wanted a wacom all i thought was, 'yeah dude, you seriously need one.' not because his sketching skills are awesome, but because at one point in my life he taught me how to sketch. It's in him but he wants to forget it, i don't know why.
Maybe his friends aside from myself can also bring about the change.
The wacom will help him.
It is a novelty and also encouragement.
There is no fear when it comes to sketching with a wacom.

While we were at the imagine store, we came across a man selling helium balloons. "I want that, will you buy it for me." I asked randomly, expecting him to give the look so many boys before him have.
This balloon is bright and BIG...It is a hippie flower with a smiley in the middle. It now floats in my room languidly while I'm sitting out here typing this.
So...yes...he bought it for me on a whim.
He did not judge me though he did poke fun.
He didn't blink when he heard the price of the balloon. (I will not mention it)
And even though he said he didn't want me walking with him, he walked with me all the way.

My balloon is pink and happy. apart from this though, i also believe my balloon is evil.
When i wake up randomly at night I face it an inch from my face. That is quite scary!

I have realised that though it is a happy, pink balloon it is also something that is going to creep me out cos it floats too close to me. So my pink and happy balloon is kept outside to float about while i float into a soundless slumber, peacefully.

I just thought this was worth mentioning.

Tapri Days.

2009-09-29T11:58:00.000-07:00

It's come to a point where being a realist seems to be the only way out.

They paved paradise and put up a parking lot
With a pink hotel, a boutique, and a swingin' hot spot
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot

I started off with thinking: This is me. This is who i am going to be.
It was simple.
Ha ha. It's ironic that it turned out to be exactly opposite.
Life was filled with a forest with a lake. Then it went away.

There were no extra people on the slabs.
The tapri was a place of early morning musings
And evening sessions of 'dejhine' talk.

They took all the trees, and put em in a tree museum
And they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them
No, no, no
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
They paved paradise, and put up a parking lot

We knew you and you knew us.
I miss those days.

It was so obvious.
Work...to feel that satisfaction.
Now it's mundane. We're all alone and it's sad.
Whatever happened to 'all of us'?
Those sunday afternoons.

Hey farmer, farmer, put away your DDT
I don't care about spots on my apples,
Leave me the birds and the bees
Please

Optimism is something I miss.
I love being optimistic
but what do you do when being a realist seems the safer bet?

Listen, late last night, I heard the screen door slam

And a big yellow taxi took my girl away
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot

I need chai.

The escapist

2009-09-05T04:11:00.000-07:00

I woke up and looked around.
I've just got my hands tied.
I remembered what took me the whole night to forget. It happens i guess. People will forget in time and i'll reminisce but I won't feel bad.
I've climbed into the tank filled with water.
These events in our life that have no explanation but seem to have a significant impact on our life leave us tired and drained.
The hatch closes, the lock clicks.
If I'm sitting here, my mind is far away. To a place I never visit.
I get up and yawn...i stop.
The bubbles form as i try to hold my breathe.
My throat hurts and my skin stretches. Oh that...
The ropes swell and cut my wrist.
It happens and now that it has, I can stop wondering when it will. It's over.
I twist and feel the water eneter my lungs. The crowds look on,evil smiles.
My brain swims with heaviness, I'm at college.
My class has started. My pocket buzzes. I say reject.
I try to loosen the ropes, it doesn't happens... am i going to drown?
...
Back home.
My mind is everywhere, and all the images are over exposed.
It burns my eyes.
I can feel the ropes around my legs loosen. but there is so much water.
My pocket buzzes again. I look at the name.
Answer.
That voice, that laugh, that moment.
Slowly I twist,turn and can feel my pulse.
The images focus. The picture becomes clear.
The ropes fall off, I wriggle to the surface.
an hour goes by and by the end of that hour, I'm smiling.
The lock clicks. The hatch pops. I'm out.

writer block

2009-08-14T09:24:00.000-07:00

For a while now there has been only one thing on everyones mind... I'm sure it's obvious so I won't mention it.

But, it has been there, like a grey cloud hanging over everyone and here I am dying to write about how it has poured over me the last few weeks... And I can't. The words are not flowing the way they used to.

There is no focus nor any direction right now. It is all stuck (synonym: jammed, cramped,squished). There is no train of thought, just the idea that another day is passing me by and everything is stagnant. sigh.

Maybe it'll come back to me. The Words i mean.

Maybe i'll wake up and my fingers will fly across the keyboard and it may be my finest blog yet. I went ahead and read my old stuff to try and get inspired, it helped a little. And as always gave me insight to what all I have been through and how a grey cloud like this one has never ever held me back.

So it will happen. The Words i mean.

They will slowly build up from my mind and gather strength as they course through my fingers making them twitch with anxiety and excitement and then...I will write. Till then. Au revoir.

The weight of time.

2009-07-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

Back and forth, back and forth.
The pendulum swings.

Back and forth, back and forth.
The seconds tick away.

Back and forth, back and forth.
The voices shout.

And then...Silence.
All that is left is a single heart beat.

nicknames:what happens when the 'H' goes missing.

2009-07-20T07:09:00.000-07:00

It's come to my attention that i have waaay too many nicknames.
Lets start with my first, which is the nearest and dearest to my heart
1. Pooch. My dad came up with this while cooing at me when i was three days old. They have never used my actual name.
Which is Shruthi...but thanks to the fact my parents removed the 'h', there have been vairations... My name is Sruti (no 'h')
so moving on.
2. Srooti...u cutie... (really...?)
3. Sruti...Frooti.
4. Shruths... there is no 'h' people!
So that turned to
5. Sroots. (thank you jammy)
6. Srutty... and the inevitable
7.Slutty.
Now 7 nicknames for one me, is quite alot.
Sigh... All because of one alphabet.

Angel Wars: Guardian Force

2009-06-23T01:27:00.000-07:00

Have you seen it?
I just saw this animated series and after a long time, I could appreciate both the animation and the script. It was a whirlwind! and to think that besides just creating these character they went on to making each an individual with his/her own set of emotions,reaction,mannerism etc. was refreshing!

The storyline is simple:
There are the Humans. While they exist there is an on going battle between the Angels who belong to the Guardian Force and the Demons. While the Humans are unaware of their presence, these forces fight and the battles vary.
Each episode is to do with Humans and their environment. Their choices and what makes them bad or good.
There are no bad people, just good people who make mistakes.

The Guardian Force is a battalion filled with Angels who fight off the Demons.
Now why do they have to fight them anyway?
Well ya know when things all of a sudden go wrong and you can't explain it?
And then you have to make a decision: the right or wrong one.
The Demons are the one edging you towards that wrong decision, making you doubt yourself and your beliefs.
About this time is where an Angel steps in and takes over, by fighting this Demon. All in all, it's the battle that goes on inside your head and how you're willing to deal with it. Though the Angel is fighting for you and is trying to defeat the Demon, it is you at the end of the day that makes the choice.

Do you wanna listen to your Angel? or
Do you think your Demon has something better to offer?

It was good to watch something that made so much sense on so many different levels.
It was definitely an action series. That is just one layer though, there is the story of the past and the lesson we learn by fighting our Demons.
There are forces, definitely, good or bad I'm not sure. But there is something that gives us our answers and something that even makes us do things in a moment of weakness.

Our guardian Angel has always been there, we just have to listen for them.

6 degrees of seperation

2009-06-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

The knowledge that I know one person and that the person they know is seperated from me by only this...only 6 degrees made me think.

Does that mean I know alot of people, if so, where are they?
Are they like me?

Tonight I talked to someone whom I didn't know. Or I knew of but did not really know. I'm not scared of the unknown. Not knowing is my favourite concept in the world. Researching on what you don't know and then the light shines down and voila... you know!

The excitement is unreal.

But when you know of something/someone, it's different because you've already made up your mind about them but still don't know them enough to know how true it all is.

So I talked to this person and it was nice. I made no thought of it until I realised how i knew of this person and how little I knew.
It scared me, this person knew of me too but didn't actually know me. Was hidden judgement being passed without my knowledge. Was there a thought process happening that I did not know of?
Or am I over analysing the situation?
I continued to talk.
1. To let myself know that it's okay.

2. To let this person know I wasn't all that bad. (I'm really not.)

3. To let the fear pass whatever the outcome may be.

breathe...

6 degrees of seperation huh?

Next I read this persons blog... Not out of curiosity (blogs are ambiguous and even though someone is sharing their mind, it's not stark and straight forward. It's hidden and tangled in sentences that you're trying to decipher) but out of the simple reason of being an avid reader and good writing is hard to come by.

All of a sudden the air in me left. The room became a blur and it was just me standing with these lines passing in front of me. It was the pure emotion of each post, the ambiguity and also the amount of 'sense' in each sentence. I don't know if this person was writing about themselves or just writing but it was a shock to see the similarities.

The words were different but the emotion was similar. The idea that I wasn't the only kid on the block who felt that way. That though it looked all normal on the otuside the inside was like a labyrinth of thoughts and stories and ideals.

I don't mean to steal anyones thunder, but I was this. Probably still am.

The kid who never made too many friends but had friends. The one who stood outside, looked around and shrugged. And then came to a place where in a blink of an eye found others just like her.

Just as weird...
Just as unique...
Just as normal...?

It took me 18 years to make the type of friends who I don't feel annoyed with. Who I can look at everyday and say, Vaatsup men?
It took me 18 years to realise what I could be as a person. Not that weird kid who had issues, or the flakey person who never stuck to one friend too long.

Just A Person.

Again 6 degrees of seperation.

I couldn't believe it.
I'm not concluding that I had found a cosmic twin. No, I still did not know this person.And I don't know whether this person even wants to know me. (shrug)

We live our lives. Have our own people. Have our own set of everything. So to say that after reading this I was enlightened would be a lie. It's a little weird though that we know of eachothers existense yet pretend not too. Is that what it was? hmmmmmm...

It is really hard to come across good writing these days.

IIIIIII...there is nothing between them.

2009-06-20T02:52:00.000-07:00

To those who read between the lines, stop there is nothing there...ha ha
that term read between the lines is so ridiculous.

I'm listening to 4 minutes by Madonna and uh...Justin Timberlake.
I'm not ashamed, the beat is great and now that i've listened to it,
The lyrics are kinda cool.

I'm being a bubble gum princess by saying that i agree with the song but what's wrong with this:

"If you want it
You come and get it
If you thought it
It better be what you want
If you feel it
It must be real just
say the word"

Now remove Madonna's voice and Justin Timberlake's voice and the beat,beat,beat and what you get is advice.
It's weird, the poor schlub who wrote this may not have known how yummy and pink this
song would turn out to be.
I don't know myself where I'm getting with this, but after the last few days which started of as
my happiest and then something dark came in and swooped it away from me.(work, homesickness,sickness in general,bad karma all in one shot...not even the alcoholic type)
Right now I jus need some good advice. Someone to say I went for it. Failed probably (I'm not sure... is a C grade still considered pass, can u grade your life or know what fate is testing you on?)
I have been blank, lost but still happy. Not as happy but I've reached a point
where I can be happy and no one has to make me happy. Just me!

I said I needed time, I do. I need time to see if I am ok.
I felt hollow for two days and then (*snap*) it went away. It was filled temporarily with cement and the dust settled. I saw myself as a sad person.When did i let that happen? Immediately i went on facebook and typed in a happy status. Two people whose words helped me through the hollowness commented.
Then I changed my gmail status too. I needed to have happy things around me.
Then i just removed gmail altogether cos it's quite annoying. I use gmail chat now. ha ha.

see i can laugh! :D
I can be happy, it takes time but i realised being happy is what gets me through my day. I can't waste time pondering because all it does is cause me to doubt that happiness.

"But if I die tonight
At least I can say I did what I wanted to do
Tell me, how bout you?"

Ha Ha Ha. I cannot believe I'm using this song as an example to explain things.
Why is it making sense to me. Songs like this aren't suppose to make sense.
They're fun and funky and light...or are they? (sound clip of realisation right about...now)

I am sleepy and am excited to be going back home, spending my time with family. My Mother. My Father.
It seems like ages ago since i slept till eleven and dad and i just lounged. he reads the paper while i lie like a bear on him. His breathing steady.

Reassuring.

No past, no future. Just comfort.

Be happy. It's a nice feeling. (Jemma likes this quote of mine)

ps- Thank you ppl... You gave me courage and happiness and made me see what i'm worth. What i'll do without you... you say? ha ha...

This post is so pointless. I think I just wanted to see how far I could use this song :D

For no one in particular

2009-06-15T12:45:00.000-07:00

She woke one morning,
Sun pouring in,
Streaks of light shining along her floor
A smile creeps into her face
She squints and looks around.

The sheets fall away,
She takes a deep breathe,
The smell of morning dew.

On her table waiting by a note,
A single flower with promise.
Promise of love, hope and eternal faith.

She sighs and lifts it to her face.
The smell so sweet and the colour so bright.
The stem so soft, the petals of velvet.

She picks them one by one.
"He loves me...He loves me not."
She puts the flower down,
Reads the note.

"He loves me."

for every...

2009-06-05T10:04:00.000-07:00

For every day I've missed...

For every weekend I've spent alone...

For every time I've sipped my coffee...

For every message I've sent...

For every time I fight...

For every single tear...

And for every time i smile...

There has been a moment of clarity .

It' all worth it,

Because...Well I'm gonna keep that a secret.

2009-06-04T12:58:00.000-07:00

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhh

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

They should have bigger font

Oh my...IT's almost here

2009-06-02T13:00:00.000-07:00

IT... it is my third year of college.

it is the fear of the looming date of my arrival back into 'the institute'.

it is the heart clenching realisation that another odd year is coming.

it is the pure aggitation of facing everyone again. NO!

My next year in college looms ahead of me. It's not close but it's not far either.

A month exactly.

The day I have been dreading since I left college. The return to said college.

I love it there. Really I do.

I don't fear the college or the people(a little) or the course. Why should I?

No, no... I fear the year. It's an odd year and I fear my first odd year.

The first year is suppose to be new, nouveau, novel uh... SHINY (taking a leaf outta jemma's book of vocabulary)

But it wasn't. It was good... bad..worse... and OH MY GOD!

I couldn't have had a worse one.

Then came summer.

Isolation.

Self introspection (is there any other kind?)

Denial.

Instincts.

Faith in Fate.

The second year came. I was cautious, careful but to be honest i was myself.

I wasn't posing for anyone and if they didn't like it too bad.

I am not ashamed to be happy. And am not ashamed to be nice to everyone i know.

I am not nice to everyone and people who know me can see this.

IT was a year to remember, alot of it spent in an alcoholic haze. But a good one (is there any other kind?) .

I have had a year to learn about myself and about others. To accept people and just be there for them instead of trying to find a solution to it. To listen when they need me and talk when they need to distract themselves.

I have seen myself improve as a person. Now I just have to improve as a designer.

Ahem...

So now coming to the third year, I am a believer in Karma and know that my first year was the learning process.

My second year was research and analysis.

Now what...?

Conceptualistaion???

My third year... I can't imagine it being a good one. I have a fear of it being horrible.

My worst, cos thats how it goes... bad, good, bad... Not bad, good, good...er?

I ramble when i'm scared.

Where is this going?

And am I gonna make it?

Do the Hokey Pokey.

2009-05-28T13:16:00.000-07:00

To write this is almost like admitting defeat. I feel desperate and outraged and plain... confused!
I'm not good with...stuff.
As in i'm not good when it come to...stuff. Ya know i was never good when i had to talk about... about...
sigh... uh... ya know... stuff!
Dammit. e...eee...eeemmm....emooo...emmmoootttiii...emmmooootttiiiooons...There!
Eee... emotions. I'm not good with them, their like a hot potato. Pick 'em up... ooh ooh thats hot! i drop 'em... PAAACH! it falls.
My friends. The near and dear ones, they know this. They know that on the outside is this beautiful mask i wear, so intricate and decorated so well, just breathtaking. But this isn't a mask for show, it's a protective one. My friends, they know i don't trust easily. I believe that... and i stick by it all the way... that to really have friends or a loved one, you have to go through.... S**t. Pardon my french.
Every friend i have grown to love are one that i have seen every side of. The really bad, the stuff that breaks a friendship, i've been through it all. We have fought, cursed hurt cut slashed at each other with unkind words and gestures and rumours and everything possible. Verbal and non- verbal.
All is fair in love and war, right?
Through it all: the dust, the blood, the wounds, the cries for help and the shattered bits of what is left, we have picked ourselves up. We have helped eachother and realised that we could either be enemies or friends for life. The latter was what suited us fine.
They have seen me at my worst and have been there for me. My mask has shattered only once with them. But around them i never wear it anyway.
Put your right hand in...
They know that on the outside, i'm self sufficient and hard and mean and snooty.
I'm sarcastic and funny and hate people who act stupid. I don't tolerate idiots of any kind.
You pull your right hand out...
They also know that i care too much thats why i'm mean.
I hurt and break like glass and need time to recover. I am solitary in being so i come off as a loner.
I dislike being alone. I glow when there are people i love around me. I love laughing and never judge a person
unless i have to.
You put your right hand in...
We act giggly and girly and talk about nonsense that generally i never like talking about.
We go shopping and 'ooh' and 'aah' at all the fancies and frilly. hee hee. Uh... yes this is me.
I hate shopping, but i love looking. We walk till we're tired and settle and gossip some more.
And shake it all about...
They never take me personally and know exactly when i'm down and out.
They sense that i'm restless and need to talk need to vent..NEED TO JUST SHOUT!
I believe that one can only achieve this type of friendship when nothing you say is taken personally.
My friends and i are immune to eachothers barbs and snide comments, we know it's aimed for something else.
Do the Hokey Pokey...
It's strange that i'm back here.
That my mask is placed in a closet away. I don't need it... or do i?
Will you make me wear the mask around you?
Turn yourself about...
Do u realise your pushing me away, it's my fault. My mask is placed on my face. Tight.
You scare me, your all and nothing to me. I smile and think of eveything that has happened.
Then i frown and think of how your letting me slip. Fight For Me!
Please.
Every small gesture is taken as a measure of meaning. Every bit of indifference is a sign that you're forgetting.
I'm spinning in this web of analysis! Remove me. Tell me that it's just a phase.
Be my friend, We have been through alot. Not enough i suppose but enough to believe that we have a chance. Don't be indifferent.
Be You.
That's what it's all about...
Right?

Human Kindness.

2009-05-15T09:15:00.001-07:00

Today I thought yeah, let's go out.

I went for a ride around my old neighborhood taking in all the sights and sounds of my city.

I decided the best place to go to was the park, so there I set off to.

I bought a newspaper full of boiled peanuts worth ten bucks (sigh... happiness) and sat on the pavement to eat them. As I ate I watched.

I watched a little girl ask her mother for a balloon, " Amma, balloon venum! Amma balloon venum!"meaning, "Mother i want a balloon."

"Ippo vanda, nalikuh na vangare." meaning "Now let's not, tomorrow I will buy it."

Satisfied the girl and her mother walked on.

I watched as the cliched couple walked hand in hand,

her head on his shoulder,

Shiny teeth gleam in the night like headlights.

The smell of jasmine I'm sure lingered about her.
The whole park was lit up beautifully,

not with yellow light but white light.

Bulbs of white light, like fairies in bubbles.

I sigh.

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,

She said

You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

The beginning tune to 'Boston' began playing in my head as it always does when I see something beautiful.

I turned away because I couldn't share this moment with you.

I got back onto the bike and decided it was time to leave.

I don't like feeling sad and happy at the same time.
I get on my bike and start off again.

I decide I will have soup.

It's comfort food.

The old man asks me what I want. "Anna, mushroom soup venum."

He smiles at me, I like his smile.

His eyes crinkle when he smiles, my favourite type of smile.

He pours the soup in a cup and puts salty cornflakes on top.

He hands it to me and says I can sit on the ledge near the supermarket.

I go and sit there and think while I slurp my soup, which is hot and peppery.

If there's no one beside you When your soul embarks Then I'll follow you into the dark

I realise that i'm humming this song and i've finished all the cornflakes in my soup,

My favourite part of soup.

Ah well, I guess this happens.

A shadow falls over me. I look up, it's the old man and he peers into my soup.

He's holding a big spoonful of cornflakes over my cup of soup. i hold out the cup to him

He gently pours it into my soup. I smile at him, he's already smiling my favourite smile.

I go back to eating my soup, happy.

Only Happy.

A conversation.

2009-05-15T04:32:00.000-07:00

R: It's not working Pooch.

Me: :| what do you mean?

R: I don't know dude, it's changed.

Me: After 4 years?

R: I think it's fading.

Me: Maybe you need to think it over.

R: No, it feels different... sigh.

Me: Hmmm,I think you need to breathe and think about it all.

R: I dunno. :| How you been?

Me: Eh...

R: What's wrong?

Me: I think I'm scared.

R: Why?

Me: Dunno just scared. I over think everything.

R: You really shouldn't. This is a good thing Pooch.

Me: Sigh, I know. That's why I'm scared. I'll screw it up!

R: Just breathe.

Me: Isn't that what I said?

R: We're both in the same boat huh?

Me: Yep. But mine is better.

R: Loser!

Me: Ha ha.

Note: this conversation never happened but maybe it did in another form.

did i do it again...?

2009-05-13T12:59:00.000-07:00

It's happening again.

Slowly... but it's happening.

That urge to scream, the moment where I break.

I'm going to shatter again, aren't I?

One again I'm back to this place.

I'm back to the warmth I ran away from.

The warmth I told myself I did not...DID NOT...need.

But here I am again.

When is it my turn to deserve the warmth?

When is it okay for me to just feel and not fear?

When am I going to learn to trust?

Or am I already too late?

Have I lost?

Have I unintentionally done it all over again?

Have I pushed this person away from me with mere emotion?

Have I already lost the one person who had been my equal?

My eyes hurt... but I won't let them cry.

My body aches of fear of losing...

I don't want to lose...

I like you. I actually like you.

I'm so close... I can hear myself crack... again.

chivalry is not dead, but it's not free either

2009-05-11T09:37:00.000-07:00

It seemed so unreal when he said "i'll pick you up and we'll go for dinner."

I thought wow,i asked if i had to bring money to pay for the fuel he laughed and said no. maybe i've gotten so used to getting everywhere on my own that i've forgotten that guys actually do pick you up and drop you and at some point pay for you. Had I become so dependent on myself... or should I say self sufficient?

I have now read four books (i've been home only three days, yes i am an avid reader) and all of them had some woman who got rescued by a man or helped out by a man or always had a man to see them home safe. I thought wow, these guys are stupid, that girl can get by on her own. Then I stopped. Oh hell!

i. was. stupid.

I started thinking of all the girls i know. They all seemed as sufficient as me. They never needed a guy to drop them home but they always had one. Someone to walk them home safe. Now this never happens to me because i realised i had made myself so self sufficient that i didn't see the need for a guy to walk me home. Instead i carried a rock in my pocket.

Take me to a movie? Uh... and spend that much money , no thank you!

How about dinner... i'll pay? What's the catch buddy...!

I opened up a book filled with beautiful women, women who always had a man by their side to protect them. Protect? No these men were simply... Chivalrous.

It was in their nature to walk a girl back home, open a door for her, give her their jacket when it was cold and not grumble about it.

It still happened i noticed but not that often. Not that often at all.

Chivalry was an art. An art that men had forgotten how to practice. The sheer lack of it has made woman not tougher,they were always tough but their edges aren't so smooth anymore.

So when he said i'll come pick you up, i was elated. I felt like a girl!

He didn't even hesitate! Or made a deal about the distance he even offered to drop me back. Chivalry i thought, you're still there. I was about to msg and say something nice like how touched was that he was making the effort to come pick me up. then i got another message, was he messaging to say that he will also pay for dinner or take me out to the beach(my favourite place)?

I looked at the message with my breathe held. As i read it all that air gushed out of me. "can you meet me half way? I don't feel like driving so far"

Well it had to happen.. heh heh

personal=impersonal

2009-05-10T08:24:00.000-07:00

So when did that happen?

When was it ok to not stand up for your friends.

Or say that they have faults and be impersonal about every goddamn thing!

WHEN?

and why wasn't i told that this is how it was going to be?

When did it become okay to not defend people that you have known for so long.

People who depend on your friendship, people who love you for who you are.

I'm telling you Design does shit to peoples heads.

You say you want a revolution

Well, you know

We all want to change the world

You tell me that it's evolution

Well, you know

We all want to change the world

But when you talk about destruction

Don't you know that you can count me out

Don't you know it's gonna be all right

all right, all right

I'm back World! I'm back Madras! I'm back old me... did you miss me?

I had to let it happen, I had to change

Couldn't stay all my life down at heel

Looking out of the window, staying out of the sun

So I chose freedom

Running around, trying everything new

But nothing impressed me at all

I never expected it to

What can i say really, it's like everyone has become scared.

why?

yes, we are in a new place,

yes we don't know too many people,

yes viman nagar is not a nice place to have a design college in,

so what is stopping you?

What is making you sit day in and day out living your mundane life and looking at other people while they live, laugh, cry...experience!

Okay, so you had it rough,

so did everyother freaking person here!

you think you're the only one with problems?

you think that no on else at the same time as you was going through something even worse?

The answer is so simple and it's right there...LOOK!

it's called letting go.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,

there will be an answer, let it be.

For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,

there will be an answer. let it be.

Every year has a new beginning but that doesn't mean you are new,

you are the same.

don go and change cos you think everyone else is.

Stand your ground!

Be who you always have been.

but don let petty things get a hold of you and latch on forever.

This year has been one of my best,

I still stick to that theory tho it was a little prematurely announced on a drunken night with my freinds.

But it's true!

i haven't changed an ounce of what i believe in and who i am.

I've added i few new things to me. (upgraded myself but still the same old thing)

Things to help me survive in design.

when was it ok to let impersonal become the new personal?

why are we okay with being in relationships which obviously makes us unhappy?

So unhappy that you're trying to dig deep and find something that...

well i hate to say it... doesn't exist?

What is a relationship if it's not based on trust?

how long can you hold someone responsible for a mistake

they could not help but make?

If you love them you stick by them and let them know you're there...right?

So why has everyone based their relationship on the outside?

L.O.V.E very strong word. and so hard to find because it's not just the physical or even the mental.

It's emotional.

You need to be ready to expect anything.

Hurt, anguish, Pain, Happiness, Joy, Intimacy.

and still not judge the person.

you love a person for who they are.

The whole Shabang not just one tiny part that caught you're attention.

I loved you

grey sweat pants

No make up

So perfect

Our love was comfortable and so broken in.

Why don't we wanna have long lasting friends?

why are we happy to say, 'ya their my friends' and then tell ppl they have faults?

We know... We know we have faults...

it's our friends who don judge us about it or rub it in our faces.

So why change that now?

Sigh.

Have I said too much?

There's nothing more I can think of to say to you.

But all you have to do is look at me to know

That every word is true

i miss you.

Wat.A.Time

2009-04-01T08:25:00.000-07:00

My trip was awhile back but the memories of it are still bright in my mind. To those who wanna do it own their own... be warned, it's hard!
We went, we saw and we conquered! For 5 students who had no clue about Rajasthan i think we managed very well. We arrived in Jodhpur and the first thing we saw was a very bright, BIG autorikshaw.
We took two of these autos to जिलासैनिककल्याण...which to anyone who happens to stay there is a 20 rupee ride... not 60 like we poor souls ended up paying!

Another thing to keep in mind, carry a हिसाब book with you. The amount of money you spend on travel is crazy because there is just so much to see. Getting back to जीलासैनिक
कल्याण... we accommodated two rooms... one for the girls and one for the boy. The man downstairs was nice enough to tell us where we could get hot water from. For a girl whose from Madras, this little fact went a long way!

We were on a humongous terrace and right outside was where the train station was. Another handy tip that we did not adhere to was that the next station stopped right outside our place. When i say right outside i mean it stopped literally at the gates. Sigh, novices of travel we let this ride and carried on.

I have always had vacations where i tell myself, " Today i will go out and i'll try something new." This never happens, i end up lounging and just soaking up what the room has to offer.

Not this time! This time i was with complete jet setters, they did not want to rest for even a bit!
Aiyo! but soon i got into the rhythm too. We went out to look for food and the bus station too, to check about our next destination (Jaisalmer)

Next note on the list of notes to come: Beggars are very upfront in Jodhpur, or and this is to the people who went with me... they are err... hands on type people.

Now it gets a little foggy but i do distinctly remember is roaming around in search of a map shop and a PNB atm near a bata showroom...?

Next we roamed around and ended at Priya Resautrant, if i'm not mistaken. This seemed to be THE hub for every traveller, tourist, nomad, mad...persons. Our last meal that day was a South Indian meal believe it or not. We then saw a shope that served sweets and we hogged on रसमलाई and were very satified that night.

The next morning we decided it was time to look around, with map in hand and armed with cameras we set out for Mehrangarh Fort. There is not much I can say to make this fort anymore than it is. It was great to spend the whole day there and just click pictures.When we reached the top of the fort the whole of the blue city could be seen. It was definitely the time for corny pictures. So many pictures!
There were also Rajasthani folk singers, who had their own space to play where on lookers would take pictures and (no offense to anyone) would ooh and aah at them play. Though i sound rude, i truly mean that it was an occasion to 'ooh' and 'aah' at these musicians playing and singing. It was quite a lovely experience.
For a fort it is very well equipped with a fancy shmancy
coffee house which is where we all eventually landed up eating and blowing up our paisa. It was still worth it, that was one gooooood ice tea. I'm sure the Brits had something to do with this!
I remember hugging this coffee shop before i left.

This is where i end. My next blogging will be the next part of our journey.

Green thinking.

2009-04-01T07:21:00.000-07:00

This is a project we got that made me realise the difference between a poster and just random work. I'm not implying this was great work, but it was an experience of sorts.

We were given Go Green as a theme and we could do whatever we wanted, we had to design a bus shelter and a poster.

This is what i had come up with and what my professor later on told me was well thought of work.
Honest comments from all and excuse the yellow background in the poster... it's a little to bright for my taste as well.
We were also given Malaria as a topic. i tried out something, a photo composition of sorts which later on i couldn't use as we weren't allowed to use photographs as a medium of communication.

I'm not sure.

2008-12-21T02:06:00.000-08:00

it was a dream, she thought.
She was awake and she looked to her left.
He was there, eyes closed in slumber.
A small sound of sleep escaping his lips.

She got out of bed wrapping the quilt around her.
What a dream!
No one around, all lost.
She-- she was lost.

A quiver passed through from spine to toe.
She looked over her bare shoulder at the figure on the bed.
'I almost lost you.' she thought.
' lost me?' came a whisper of a familiar voice.

She had spoken out loud,
' Oh yes! I almost lost you!' she cried and ran back to bed.
She re-told her story, while he looked up at her melancholy figure.
He pushed a stray strand of her hair away and looked into her eyes.

'You could never lose me.'

he held her close and whispered.

'If i ever got lost. It is you and you alone who will find me.'
She blinked and lay down, falling asleep instantly.
he smiled and soon was asleep himself.

what holiday fun is all about

2008-10-29T09:07:00.000-07:00

I love escada.
I love this picture.
And i really love photoshop.

2008-10-24T06:50:00.000-07:00

I'm waiting for the change,
For the upheaval and the nausea,
For the tsunami of emotion to crash and hurt me,
For the scars that i carry to fade away.

My skin peels in the heat of knowledge,
The knowledge of ignorance and the change,
Oh! the change i fear, even if i am dependent on it.
It seeps into me like poison,
-a poison that is good but leaves your skin raw and full of blisters.

The ocean of love washes me ashore,like a million hands carrying me to a safe place.
Swollen, bruised and battered but changed.
I'm stronger than my past and ignorant of my future.

I have let it all go: tears of grief, eyes brimming with false hope and a mind of naivety.
I will always remember, but as an after thought. Not a scouring image of undue hurt and pain.

Addiction

2008-08-25T14:03:00.000-07:00

it's a powerful word. Addiction.
Saying it out loud is like saying a bad word. it slides on your tongue and then it hits a high point, making the word ring in your ears.

my feelings towards this word, addiction, has many associations and memories. i think of it and all i picture is a dark room with this little ray of light from a crack in the wall, not a bright one that shines hope but one that teases you mercilessly.
you pick yourself up and say i don't need that light i will find my own, i don't need it i'll make one that will last me and keep me safe. you reach that point where you make a spark, a stepping stone towards making your own light.

it has stretched you and made you weep, all you can think about is the way you refuse to think of that dim light, teasing you asking you to take a look. you pick yourself up off the floor in that dark room with that spark that you've managed and you move away.

it's in the corner of your eye and it knows your looking, eventhough at the same time you are toiling at the spark inside you and sweating instead of weeping and thinking of the present instead of letting nostalgia engulf you.

Addiction.

Your light is finally alive, your smiling and almost happy. your light isn't bright but it isn't dull either. it is your light and you control it.

it's still a dark room but with two dim lights. you look across the room and that light seems harmless now. why did it effect you?

All you know is that you have your own light now and nothing can hurt you. you move towards the crack in the wall. that ray seeping through.

i have a light too!

u feel satisfied enough to go closer, your okay after all.
the light hasn't changed, it is still dim.

you like it better than yours. you let your fingers slide around it, through it.
the dull orange over your skin is familiar and comforting.

all of a sudden your spiralling into a black hole leading nowhere.
your light is gone and you trusted the crack in the wall.
your lying in a pheotal position sweating and weeping with the ray of light slashing you across the face. your eyes are dilated and you can't scream.

Addiction.

check list on life.

2008-08-13T09:25:00.000-07:00

so i really haven't written in awhile but i have been meaning to write this

the things i wanna do with my life

1. be a photographer

2. travel around india by the time i'm thirty

3. every two weeks of the year take my mom and go abroad to any place we feel.

4. own my own design firm.

5. be a cartoonist

6. get into a top university in animation.

7. speak two foreign languages : german and french

8. speak three indian languages: malayalam, hindi and tamil.

9. own my own apartment with a loft.

10. write for samas media labs as an official member of their staff. (dunno why but i have an awesome feeling about that place)

11. Sing on open mike night at soul

12. spend a weekend in pondicherry with my SLR and get good pictures

13. teach.

14. have a dog and a cat

15. spend a year in kerala with my family.

16. go to kabul

17. get laser eye surgery cos i'm sure by the time i'm twenty five i will probably go blind.

18. manage to drink five amberro beers without barfing at the end of the night. (oh wat a night that was!)

19. buying my parents a house.

20. buying my mom and becky their house for when they grow old and senile.

21. get to know my cousins.

22. go on a road trip with all my freinds

23. learn to sky dive.

24. have a kick ass boyfriend who is...well kickass man!

25. play the drums for a band.

ok no.24 shouldn't really be considered... it's jus the blond in me.

it is not in this order that i wanna achieve these things...i don know either..

but it shall all happen.

Quote

2008-07-15T11:38:00.000-07:00

"there is no secret ingredient."

- Po, kung fu panda.

Quote

2008-06-21T04:20:00.000-07:00

"I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine."

- Atlas Shrugged

Quote

2008-06-19T12:45:00.000-07:00

"it's like a rock, rocks don't fear anything.
but rocks sink."

-Sid the sloth, Ice Age 2

Quote

2008-06-19T12:42:00.000-07:00

"love is not a feeling, it's an ability"

- Dan in Real Life.

why?

2008-06-16T12:53:00.000-07:00

this actually happened at IM Ahmadabad during the interviews with the future candidates of the college.

as students walked in,expecting to be questioned thoroughly, all they got was this.
the interviewer asked them, "why?"

some started with "because..." and proceeded by telling him why they thought they were a suitable candidate for the college. to this he would say, "that was not my question. you may leave."
one instance a student gave him the background of the word 'why' and it's pronunciation and he told the student, "i have English lecturers who can do what you just did,but they do it much better though. Please leave."

after all the interviews were over he came to the students and said, "why?" they looked at each other puzzled as to what this man wanted as an answer.

he looked at them and said, "when someone asks you why, your reply should be, why not."

And he walked away.

note: do not at anytime try and justify to anyone why u are who you are and do not at any time try to justify what you are doing. if they ask you what u are doing tell them. if they ask why...

well you know what to say...

NORM

2008-06-13T10:58:00.000-07:00

ok...

this is unusual but i like to make it an open thing:
i have a new house mate.
his name is Norm.
he is a cockroach.

yes it is true.
he lives in my bathroom drain and comes out to say hi whenever i use the facilities.

at first it freaked me out. i do not approve of cockroaches. they are vile and generally it freaks me out to know that the world will soon become filled with many Norms'(no pun intended) because while we die due to radiation they will very much stay on this earth and live on.

but now i'm quite used to his presence. he doesn't do anything really. he stays near his home (the drain) and only pokes his head out when i enter and says hi and then goes about his business, whatever it may be.

i don not approve of killing any type of creature so that is why this cockroach has been spared. and since he thinks it's very normal to hang about i have named him 'Norm'.

he is no more scared of me but he knows i dislike it when he tries to be extra friendly (coming near me and attempting to climb my leg for a hug) so he steers clear of me, just a friendly hello.

i like the fact that we can share the facilities on such amicable terms. otherwise it would be quite awkward if i do say so myself.

Monkey lulu

2008-06-07T02:43:00.000-07:00

"I want that one." said the little girl, her mother looked at the toy and made a face. It was an ugly little ragmuffin of a monkey.
"Why do you want that one darling? It's looks rather shabby."
T he little girl looked up at her mother, "Mummy, if i was left on my own and no one took care of me, i would look like that ?" Her mother looked down at the little girl. "I suppose so, yes. But you are never going to be left alone." the little girl continued, "Yes, but this monkey was. Shouldn't we take her home and let her be happy too, like me?"

The mother was utterly surprised by her daughters words. They were so innocent and true. even if it was just a doll, it meant something, it obviously seemed to give some sort of joy to her little girl.

"Well, alright, come now, take the doll and lets pay up for it."

Once outside the store the mother asked, "So, what is her name then?"
"Monkey- monkey lulu." said the girl as she clutched the shabby monkey close to her with a big grin on her face.

Quote

2008-06-07T02:42:00.000-07:00

i am the all singing, all dancing crap of the world.

- Tyler Durden/Brad Pitt/Edward Norton

the crayolas!

2008-06-05T02:36:00.000-07:00

red crayola: ur internet addicted you are

heh

blue crayola: i just came online

red crayola: uh huh...sure

blue crayola: yes i did!!!!

seriosuly!

its bn lie 2 minutes

*liek

red crayola: blue it's kool

there is no need to feel bad

blue crayola: :| but its not the truth!!!!

im telling you the truth!!

for the love of all people awesome!!!!!!!

believe me!!!!!

red crayola: blue...hahahahahahaha

blue crayola: please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

red crayola: hahahahahaha

blue crayola:

well seriously i just came online

was watching grey's anatomy all day

red crayola: ya ok...seriously

i believe you

how is grey's anatomy

red crayola: i have never watched it

blue crayola: its ok..

timpeass

red crayola: aaah

not like scrubs!

scrubs rule!

blue crayola: yeah.. thats true!

it's that simple.

2008-05-31T11:01:00.000-07:00

I wonder why i didn't say hi?

I was scared.

I wonder why didn't you say hi?

Because you don't care.

it's ok by junkyard groove

2008-05-31T01:55:00.000-07:00

This is a story of a girl
Who falls in love with a boy
A story not meant to be
But she could never see
She lived a life to be free
Believed in what would set her free
Knew no cast knew no creed
Only what she believed
In him she believed
In him she wanted
In him she needed
Something she could never find
And all they found
Was a little bit of misery
And nothing at all

It's ok
It's alright
We are the same
And there is no need to cry

This is a story of a boy
Who falls in love with with a girl
A story not meant to be
But only he could see
He lived a life to fill his greed
Sucked her dry for all his needs
Did what he felt like
And did what he pleased
In him she believed
In him she wanted
In him she needed
Something she could never find
And all they found
Was a little bit of misery
And nothing at all

It's ok
It's alright
We are the same
And there is no need to cry

Take my hand
Hold me close
And leave the past behind
And walk on to the future
Take my hand
And hold me close

note: read the lyrics and take it in.

when your guardian angel talks to you for the last time on earth.

2008-05-26T02:16:00.000-07:00

so what if i can't?

don't make me.
it's just not possible for me to see it.
it's the ending that scares me.
i don't want to reach it just yet.

no, i'm not a coward
why would you say something like that?

yes, i know it happens to everyone...the end.
but i just don't need it right now.
i don't need an end, i need a beginning!

yes yes, every end starts a new beginning.
i don't want a NEW beginning, i want my beginning.
then i can avoid the end a little longer.

i know it's suppose to end...me.
i know... i just...sigh... there is so much i didn't do.
so much i regret, i'm not suppose to regret anything.

i need a little more time, take me back to that day.
you know which one, where i knew.
i want to change that, will you let me?

what use will it do?!
how can u ask that?
so much may change... and the end.
well it will end...me.
but i won't regret it.

take me back please.
or show me what it would've been like if i had changed it.
can you do that?

yes, i like this.
this is...wait...
he looks so happy...
but why...
can't he see?
oh no! no please!
tell him! tell him to stop!
why can't he hear me?!
STOP! PLEASE DON'T TAKE THAT TURN!

is this what would've happened?
your not just teasing me now are you?
the pain is so real. i...i...i didn't know.

i would've have regretted that too.
there was no good outcome, was there?
it had to end one way or another.

ok... i see your point now.

2008-05-13T01:30:00.000-07:00

i know what to do
i just can't do it

i feel hollow... out of air
i want an answer
i want a reason

i want someone to shake me by the shoulders
to wake me up
say good morning sunshine

i want to listen to my favourite music
i want to walk down the road with naiveity

in awe of the things around me

i'm confused, lost.
i need time.
i need space.

see how fast want turned into need.

ponderings of the mind at two in the morning

2008-05-02T13:37:00.000-07:00

i decided that since today was the first day of my exams i would wake up early have that first chai at the tapri and some breakfast.

next i would head back have a nice shower and get to college early to see everyone.

well, i got back late from the tapri ended up chatting with a good friend which resulted in me not having a bath and sprinting to college, but i was still early.

the exam: a waste of time. both of them were and at the end of it, it was good riddance.
with everything done i decided i would head back and sleep. i didn't have anything to do anyway. then i see friends and we decide to get something to eat. just as well, sleep is not that necessary i tell myself. i had the whole weekend to sleep so it didn't matter.

after having the worlds best dhai vada i end up watching a disastrous movie but with a friend so we bitch out loud and it ends up being a pretty ok time

after all this.

i go for a movie. the wrong one, but quite entertaining anyway.

it's now two in the morning, quite pleasant and the streets are empty. i'm walking with a friend and we both walk like we're going somewhere important. we talk to eachother softly so that the silence of the night isn't broken.

i look up at the sky and don't see a moon. i feel betrayed in some way. where did the moon go?

i recall all the times i've done this, get back from a movie so late. and all the times i've had the moon as a stable guide and companion.

i look up again in hope that maybe it was just hiding. but no, it just isn't there. i feel bad because i always think of someone when i see the moon.

i want to call someone and tell them about how the moon isn't there. my friend ignores my remark and we continue walking and talking.

it seems i must take a stand. face my fear and not let it get to me... or past me.
so that i don't end up losing a friend.

i'll wait a few days let the idea sink in.

for now i love this weather. i love the companion beside me. i love the conversation.

i need sleep.

good night. sweet dreams.

one way or another

2008-05-01T11:31:00.000-07:00

to look, to see.
to hear,to listen.
to smell,to breathe.

trust.

thought of the day: would make a cool comic strip

2008-05-01T11:14:00.000-07:00

you get swept of your feet and are flying so high that the guy waiting for you to fall into his arms gets impatient and walks off, leaving you to crash and fall on your kundi

schitzer!

2008-04-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

so how many people have gone through what i have? well, seeing as how there are so many of us and thanks to television we're all brain washed to a certain type of living, i think a lot.

I'm sitting here in what is considered the new york of India in a pish posh flat writing this and pondering on how things can change.

i'll let everyone in on a secret, college is one place where the term 'time waits for no one' is shoved in your face every few seconds that sometimes it's scary!

my experience in college has been(and this is putting a positive spin on it) 'enlightening'.

now,, i sit here at the computer remembering all of it and wondering why i let myself get caught up in it.it was fun, but i noticed something very important...

it's not a sitcom!

it's about being what you are and not trying to go out and find friends. friends always find each other. Someone extremely special to me said this, "friends are like dreams, eventually you will wake up and they may not be there, so the time you have with them don let it be a nightmare."

SCHITZER!

life for me in the last year has been one big, big circle. ended at the same place it started.

so how many people feel this way?

2008-02-16T07:20:00.000-08:00

an eye for an eye.
a tooth for a tooth.
wow, how badly do u wanna be a dentist or ophthalmologist?

thought.

2008-02-16T06:48:00.000-08:00

frown and you frown alone.
smile and the world smiles with you.
laugh and the universe may just join in.

103 ramblings...

2008-02-15T05:58:00.000-08:00

why am i confused?
why is it that i need to test you?
why do i think i don't deserve you?
why do i want to push you away so badly?
why do i need reassurance from everyone else?
why can't i talk to you like i generally do?
why do you like me?
why do you hang out with me?
why don't you talk to me?
why can't i speak my mind when i'm around you?
why do i speak for you?
why do i need to say something everytime?
why do i get nervous around you?
why do i think you don't like me?
why do i like you?
why did i try to push you away?
why do i want you to realise how awful i am?
why do i think i'm not right for you?
why have i lost you?
why do i get stressed?
why do i hate the way i am around you?
why am i not me around you?
why can't i speak around you?
why do i need you so much?
why do i love being around you?
why are your hugs so special?
why do i question myself?
why do i blindly trust you?
why am i stupid and juvenile?
why is it i don't feel satisfied when things are good?
why do i miss you?
why do i hate it when you don't hug me after we say good bye?
why did i cry when you weren't there for me?
why weren't you there for me?
why do i like being your opposite?
why do i think we will last?
why do i like the small things you do?
why do i like your hugs?
why do i like to listen to you tell stories?
why do you take my opinion seriously?
why do i think that you're pulling away?
why do i want you to?
why do i wanna not be with you?
why do i want to stay with you?
why am i insecure?
why do i need to know you can cope with me?
why do i need to see you everyday?
why do i feel bad when i don't?
why do you put up with me?
why do you want to sit next to me?
why are you the centre of my world when i am with you?
why do i think i'm not yours?
why do i think so much and make things worse?
why do i want to fight?
why do want you to see me cry?
why do i want to be with you?
why do i like complications?
why aren't i understanding?
why am i not patient?
why can't i speak when your around?
why do i care if you thinks i'm stupid?
why do i care about what you think?
why do we talk to each other when we're alone?
why do we laugh at eachother?
why do we hold hands?
why are we eachothers sanctuary?
why do i think i'm not yours anymore?
why do you smile at eachother?
why do we ignore each other?
why do we look at eachother differently?
why do we have comfortable silences?
why do we not listen to each other?
why do we not tell each other things?
why don't we talk about our passions?
why do we question each other?
why don't we explain our passions?
why don't we talk about life?
why do i wanna make you smile?
why do i want to have all the answers?
why do i want to be there through everything holding your hand?
why do i think i'll never forget you?
why do i like it when i do something that makes you happy?
why do i want to be the one you talk to?
why do i want to be the one you sit and have discussions with?
why do you look at me and smile when no one notices us?
why do you squeeze my hand sometimes secretly?
why do u rest your head against me when you're tired?
why do you need me?
why do you like hugging me standing up?
why do we talk for hours and never sleep?
why do we pretend to care less than we do?
why do we care so much?
why are we so attached?
why do we work well together?

rambling like this is...

it feels good...but doesn't give you too many answers.

but i had to.

post.

2008-02-15T05:27:00.000-08:00

i woke up one day and everything was fixed.
everything was glued together.
the thing was it wasn't put together properly.
a lot of pieces were mixed up and if i looked closely some were new!
what i saw was not a bad thing; it was different.
it was a puzzle made of another puzzle.
how fascinating.
i sat back and looked at a few pieces break off and fly away.
a tear rolled down.

it's ok: it's called change, the puzzle always changes it's picture.

post.

2008-01-18T08:38:00.000-08:00

what is it that breaks things up?
bad foundation some say, other say it's bad luck, some just put the two together and then it becomes...hanh good foundation but bad luck or vice versa.

arre yaar! i want a bloody answer...is it so hard?

i ask friends but they say nothing is really broken up you think too much...khis khushi mein??

now the thing is,i think ,i can't help it.

what else am i suppose to do when there is nothing going on!?

i'm a mind wanderer or to be more precise i'm a mind nomad. i have thoughts that are very focussed for that moment then they go. ta ta bye bye.

i move on to the next thought.

lately my thoughts revolve around friends and their issues. i've come back after one and a half months and in that sock span(yes sock, so little material but with so much purpose) of time so much has happened to everyone, including moi.

my friends have formed two different groups, when did this happen? i ask. oh yeah you weren't here na, lucky you.

huh? why didn't you just talk it out? i ask. what is there to talk about, it won't help. they are like that only, so why bother?

argh! are they mad? this was my group of friends who just 2 months ago would say that they hated it when no one out right said what was on their mind.

this was bad. very, very bad. what happened to my coolio(yes i'm lame) friends, people who would just hang out, talk, have toast and butter and listen to cold play.

hmmm..time for me to glue things together, right?

RIGHT!

so here goes.

i talk to one friend and then another and before i know it i'm sitting in a balcony with my legs folded on a strolly chair giving out advice and listening to everyones problems. all inter related hanh, one friend talking about another, wondering why this happened and what should be done and all. but no one willing to tell the person (tsk tsk tsk)

so i put in my two bits worth and strangely i become close to them, extremely close. i hear things that no one has and see things that no one should.

my best friend seeks my comfort and i'm happy to give it to him my other friend seeks refuge in the form of another friend and slowly things are coming together. i can see the sands of time change and can tell the difference in mere days of my oprah winfrey move. a friend who i lost is slowyl warming to me again, very slowly but at least there is some movement.

a big event is going to happen soon and this time the change is going to be mind blowing. i can't wait.

change is necessary for all of us, it is only bad if you see it that way. i am my groups mascot. i firmly believe in that and have been told that.

since i have returned i have done a little which thanks to my very sensible friends has accomplished alot.

so maybe they are right, maybe things aren't broken just a little cracked.

i'm happy.

Cured.

2007-12-22T10:27:00.000-08:00

The warrior returns victorious,
Dark brown and healthy with a toothy grin,
She takes of her helmet
Letting her hair cascade down to her waist;

Getting off her mighty steed,
Returning and triumphant
From the war against Billy dragon
His flames now just a snore of slumber,

Happy of her return,
The audience opens their arms and hearts
To encompass and reminisce,
To cheer aloud and tell a tale
Of this warrior;

This warrior, who travelled down the yellow brick road,
This warrior, who fought the wicked witch of the west
And finally found her happiness at the end of the rainbow.

2007-12-07T01:14:00.000-08:00

where did it all go?
time just flies and leaves u behind wondering.
uncaring and everlasting, it soars and spreads it wings.
ignorance is my bliss, but how can i ignore time?
ignoring it would be living in denial all your life.

embracing time takes alot of courage,
admitting that it has all power over you.
you do not control your life after all, time does.
she is a mistress who you cannot ignore or forget.

time heals all wounds.
there is a time for everything.
time is ticking away and life passes you by.
time never waits for anyone.

she whispers this into your ear while you sleep,
to remind you where it all went and why you cannot have it back.

the story of an everyday person.(fiction)

2007-12-05T10:54:00.000-08:00

Tonight, there was that ache, the ache where you doubt yourself and you’re trying to justify what you’re feeling.
Sitting in my veranda, looking down at the city: lights, people walking around, horns blaring and smoke everywhere, I couldn’t shake off this feeling. Why?
Shall I explain what I’m talking about or is it obvious?
Yes it has to do with a person, someone who means a lot to me. This someone came into my life not so long ago but a lot has happened since so it seems like a lot longer…
We met at a party and it wasn’t an earth shattering event. I think I barely noticed him and vice versa. The whole party I spent time with my friends and enjoyed myself thoroughly, getting ever so slightly drunk and going home with my roommate singing “Saturday night fever”, not because we were buzzing but because it was Saturday and we always got juvenile after parties.

I didn’t see him until the next Saturday where the same friend was throwing another party, this time it was a birthday bash. That night I did notice him. We said our cordial hellos at the beginning of the party and went back to not noticing (OK, I noticed a little) each other. Soon, we had no choice but to notice each other since all the couples decided to monopolise the dance floor and there were a lot of couples. Surprisingly he wasn’t one.
We sat at the mini bar and there was the usual awkward silence, where two people are more or less forced to be in each others faces. Then he looked across at the couples and said, “Ya know, it’s strange but if they were still single they would be bitching about the sappy song playing right now with us” he smiled and I cracked up. See that’s the thing about me I have this Santa Claus laugh no matter how lame or good a joke is and sometimes it’s very embarrassing because the other person stops laughing and I continue, making it hard for the other person to make more of a conversation. But he continued smiling, not a stiff smile but a genuine one. That broke the ice, after that we talked and laughed (me loud and him soft) and insulted the next couple of sappy songs. We talked through the whole party and then we exchanged numbers.

I didn’t expect him to call (I mean it was great at the party and we really hit it off but I figured that the only reason we had a great time was because we had no other choice, beggars can’t be choosers was how I justified it. I was being pessimistic and I knew it, too many things had happened to me and I hate getting my hopes up. Some people think I’m being ridiculous and over analytical, which maybe I am but that never hurt anyone.) And I was right, he didn’t call. My week was so full that I didn’t really have time to feel bad about it and all I wanted was for the weekend to appear like the first rays of the sun and bring some peace into my otherwise hectic life. This weekend I decided I would stay in have some quiet time with myself, I hated missing a good time (yet another party) but I needed to relax and there was a book I was looking forward to getting lost in.
At the end of the night I was half way through my book and my cell phone rang, scaring me and removing me from the story I was living, “hello?” it was him, he called to find out why I wasn’t at the party. I told him I wanted to have a quiet weekend on my own; I asked him whether he enjoyed himself at the party. He said it wasn’t the same without me because the only other single person at the party was a guy, who seemed completely indifferent about the music and the crowd. I laughed at that and yet again we couldn’t stop talking (point to remember here, we were not forced to talk to each other but wanted to). My book lay forgotten as I spent most of my night on the phone. We finally said our good nights at the wee hours of the mornings and decided to meet for dinner at a small cosy restaurant near my place.
Well, after that things just got better, we went out almost every other day and on weekends we spent whole days together having long conversations and going to plays and just sitting around and reading. He hadn’t made anything official yet but I liked the way things were going, I was in no hurry. After four months he asked me whether we could “go steady”. I laughed at him and said yes.

It’s been 6 months since that day. A year (or a little more than that) has passed since we met and I don’t regret a single thing about it. But there is always this ache. There are days where we can’t talk to each other, where looking at each other has been a task, not something we took pleasure in. I get scared when this happens, like I said, I analyse everything and hate it when things don’t add up, I try to justify it but I can’t. I don’t regret when this happens, things cannot be honky dory everyday. Then there are days where we can’t get enough of each other, like in the beginning: holding hands and talking about our day, laughing at each other and just not being able to stop being happy. I love these days and keep them fresh in my memory, each smile of his, the way he took hold of my hand and the warmth that spreads through me, his laugh (which is actually loud) and the way we end up not sleeping but not really caring because we’re encased in this warm glow of ours and don’t feel like leaving until the morning comes and breaks the spell.

I'm scared I'll let the ache consume me and make me cold. it's a habit that's persisted over time, whenever i felt trapped by anything or anyone i go cold, ignore the situation till it has no choice but to let go off me. I've never had a problem when this has happened because usually my instincts are right and i had to let go,but this-this is so much more.

I've stayed away from him, for a while now. i can't control what i feel and at times all i want is to tell him how he hurts me but i know it's not deliberate so i have no right to. i want to tell him how insecure i am with him because he means so much, but pride holds me back. not too many people have that effect on me: i have my closest friends and that's it, i can trust friends, i know they will always be there and that nothing can change that.

he's had someone extremely special before, before me(not that i consider myself special but i consider myself important in his life). i know of her and know her in many ways as most humans know each other, certain characteristics that we all share. I'm not bothered by her but the insecurity it stirs in me.

i sometimes wonder whether i'll ever be his delilah.

many people associate the story of samson and delilah to betrayal, but for me it was a story of complete surrender of the heart: even at the very end samson still loved delilah, he surrendered himself completely to her and his death only made it more pronounced.

sitting on my balcony, pondering over this, i watch the city.

an ode to jaundice

2007-11-26T05:07:00.000-08:00

serve me hand, serve me foot
serve me anything at all
but don't expect a toothy grin.

for while pampering is a luxury,
helplessness is a crutch
which i suffer from.

serve me hand, serve me foot
serve me anything at all
but don't expect a curtsey.

for while i can ask for anything and everything
i do not want or need.
so asking loses it glamour and appeal.

serve me hand, serve me foot,
serve me anything at all
but don't expect a heartfelt hug.

for while everyone roams, i lie here
(languishing to be precise)
my colour is yellow and my mood is blue.
and i can't wait to see you.

perfect strangers

2007-11-05T07:55:00.000-08:00

I wait nervously at the edge, watching carefully at the people around me.
I don’t know them
But I know of them,
The lights are dim and the air is so thick.

Slowly I move into the circle of people
Making sure no one sees my real face: The one of fear and distress.

They see confidence and fun,
The clothes suggest so many things
But my skin crawls at the attention.

Suddenly out of the dimness I feel him there.
He’s close but still far away for me to wonder
What he’s like.
Slowly we get closer but I still don’t know him.

We’re so far off from everything,
The only emotion I feel is warmth between us
And I get lost in it.

He’s my stranger.
I don’t want to know him,
If that happens then he’ll know me;
My mask will shatter and I’ll fall so deep.

A surge of people envelope us,
But it’s still the two of us.
Soon, I’m part of the group and we’re all together,
The air is so thick, it’s stifling.

We don’t stop though.
It’s now a rhythm that doesn’t stop…
It can’t stop.

After an eternity we stop,
We laugh and grin madly at ourselves.
He’s smiling.
And so am I.

We’re perfect strangers.

trapped by love.

2007-11-05T07:54:00.000-08:00

For a long time I was your lil angel,
Did what u wanted, and never shouted.
Never complained but went passively through life just as you wanted.

When I reacted otherwise you changed.
You became someone I hated and
Soon I hated myself for hating you;

You who gave me everything that I needed,
Everything that I wanted.
You who took my side in all battles, stood up for me to live a little.
You, who always understood, saw things the way I did.

When you were hurt I hurt for you.
I gave up my dream of living and tried not to cry.
I watched you break and fall apart and helped whenever I could.

You never remembered when I shattered…

You soon forgot me and who I was.
You forgot my dream and remembered yours.
You decided to live, I was happy for you.
You decided to grow; I was there for it all.

Soon I grew resentful and tired of you.
I knew you had changed; you would never be the same.

I still hope, but never dream;
I still become sad, but never cry;
I am still on the outside;
I talk to the old you on the inside.

mirror of lies

2007-11-05T07:53:00.000-08:00

The mirror shows a face of a stranger long gone,
Tears roll down and lips crack into a scream of the forgotten.

She tries to find herself; the one she loved and respected.
The one whose confidence was seen to all before…
Before she became a mask of it all,

The change was for the good.
Or so she hoped.
The love was false, the trust was a fraud
And now, she can’t go back to the real world.

The girl stares back at her,
The same eyes…?
The same lips…?
The same…?

It’s all there but gone.
The eyes hollow,
The lips cold,
Only shallow words without meaning;

Only the actor is seen.
The one with fake smiles and laughs,
Can she take it any longer?

The girl in the mirror simply smiles and shrugs,
She has no worries,
No uncertainties of the ones she loves
She just smiles.

heartbroken vows

2007-11-05T07:50:00.000-08:00

Watching from afar its quite clear that I
Feel so many things for just one person.
Up close I see details,
I see the cracks, I see the crookeds and I see the faults and lines making up the face I love.

I see myself in these eyes full of questions I’m dying to answer. I’m waiting to be his answer, to be the one he chooses and not the random girl; who listens to his woes and helps with his goals, who sits awake at night and smiles while I hear that face that I love smiling with me.

I’ll wait all I can; waiting is so hard when the face that you love, that you see and that you know looks at you… but doesn’t love you in return.

When will I be ready to face it all and look into those eyes…those eyes with the questions?
And tell them I’m the one who has the answers, the one who will find them if I don’t and be there if their bad to hold his hand and tell him it’s ok.

I’ll wait all I can, but waiting is so hard when the one person who means something to you doesn’t know what you mean to him.

I hope he realizes before its too late, that I am his answer and he will and has always been mine.

blah

2007-09-28T05:18:00.000-07:00

tick,tock,tick,tock.
time is running out.
run down the hall
and skid and fall.
but get to class on time.

submit those assignments and start the next.
waste not, want not.
want not anything.

no paper, no pens.
no pencils, no erasers.
no concepts nor ideas,
no visualisation!

make me blind... so i know the meaning of colour.
make me deaf... so i hear the truth.
make me dumb...to communicate.

walk through the corridors; up and down.
why take the lift?
reason unknown.

life on each step,
life at each floor,
life through the walls and doors

mindless musings and future ideas.
neurotic ravings and eureka screamings.
what's the difference?
ummmmmm.....

sitting here looking up...
making up as i go.
not much sense and hardly any coherence
but thas why it's called blah.

teenangels

2007-07-29T07:46:00.000-07:00

ok... teenangels

well to me thas the age between 13 and 19...a teenager is this gawky creature whose only goal at 12 is to turn 13...not really considering that what happens is unfair...

for a girl: she has to pour large amounts of hot wax on her self to remove hair follicles and look 'pretty' and go thru periods! and if their TRULY lucky get a coupl of alien lifeforms a.k.a. zits! on their faces....then they have to go out looking perfect for the occassion whether it be a movie or a concert or even a sleep over....ok so not ALL girls are like that but everyone likes to look nice...and i'm not talking about pleasing the ppl around you just pleasing yourself is hard enough!

the guys well...i could say it's easier but i don think so...they have to go thru the humiliation of picking up the phone and the person on the other end is sayin "hello madam may i speak to your son" !? a.k.a cracking of their voice...and zits...and trying to pretend that they don care bout wat they wear so they can look casual but really if one looks close enough u can see how this is a whole process,quite tedious indeed....

and at the age of 19 your wondering when ppl will stop referring to you like an unknown identity and actually include you into conversations that are 'adult talk'

my theory is very simple...add 13 and 19....13+19=32...then divide 32 by 2....32/2 = 16!

at the age on 16 you are a teenangel!... i guess thas where the term "sweet sixteen" came up...at the age of sixteen your in the phase where u can tackle alien life forms without blinking an eye...you have the confidence to talk to ppl older than you but not yet ADULTS...and who wants to talk to oldie goldies anyway when the 18 yr old bloke is checking you out! or the hottie in the short denim skirt gave u her no.

also tha the age where evryone kinda accepts that they are in a parallel universe that adults will never understand or understand way too much of...and so u jus go on and have fun anyway

to be nicer i would say 16,17 and 18 are the teenangel years....those are the years u experience alot without having any responsibilty to worry about...and have just enough level headedness to say WTF am i doing?